Do you ever feel like you’re living your life for everyone else? Always saying YES when you really want to say NO? Going out of your way to keep others happy, even when it leaves you feeling exhausted or resentful? If so, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too, and so many of us struggle with this habit of people pleasing which is simply putting others’ needs above our own. Often at the expense of our mental, emotional, and physical health.
Learning about personality traits was one of my biggest eye openers on my healing from ankylosing spondylitis and chronic iritis. When I worked with a coach he introduced me to the idea that personality traits can affect everything from our daily stress levels to our chronic pain and autoimmune symptoms to achieving the goals we have for our lives. It’s not that there are good and bad personality traits. I like to view all from a neutral perspective. It’s just that certain personality traits can cause us to abandon ourselves leading to chronic stress and inner turmoil which can result in a dysregulated nervous system leading to all sorts of health issues.
What is People Pleasing
People pleasing is more than just being kind or helpful. It’s a pattern (pattern being the key here) of behavior where you prioritize others’ needs over your own. We people please often out of fear of rejection, disapproval, or conflict. We might find ourselves constantly saying yes, even when it adds stress or discomfort to our life. It’s like we are scared to say no. I know personally I have been there many, many times. People pleasing can also stem from a desire to be liked, accepted, or seen as good enough. Something so many of us struggle with!
While being considerate of others and always wanting to help is a wonderful trait. At the end of the day people pleasing becomes unhealthy when it leaves you feeling drained, stressed, and disconnected from your own needs. Over time, this can lead to feelings of burnout, anxiety, and even make chronic symptoms worse or bring on new symptoms. When we carry the weight of constant stress and fear of not being able to say no in our bodies it makes everything in life harder.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From
There are many reasons why people fall into the behavior of people pleasing. For most of us it starts in our early life. Below are some of the common causes.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment:
Many people who people please grow up in environments where they felt loved or accepted only when they were considered good or helpful. Basically doing exactly what the adults in their life expected of them. If you experienced this as a child, as an adult this can create a fear that saying no or setting boundaries will lead to rejection or conflict. Just like it did when you were a child. This fear isn’t always rooted in extreme childhood experiences. Even if you grew up in what felt like a normal, loving home, this dynamic can exist. Parents are parenting with their own childhood wounds and baggage. The do the best they can. But life’s demands may have made it hard for them to fully meet every single one of your emotional needs. It’s important to recognize that this isn’t about blaming our parents but instead it is about understanding the complexities of family dynamics and how they can lead to behaviors in adulthood that do not serve us. By understanding this, we can start to move ourselves away from the fear of rejection and begin setting healthy boundaries, knowing that our relationships with others are not conditional. And, if they are we probably need to re-evaluate them.
Low Self-Worth:
Sometimes, people pleasing stems from the belief that your worth is connected to how much you can give or how much others approve of you. This can lead to constantly seeking validation through being overly accommodating. Self worth struggles, like many things often start early in our lives. We began to question our self worth when we felt overlooked or rejected, when we compared ourselves to others, or even something as simple as being told to wait when we tried to get our parents attention. Bullying, negative self-talk, and even societal pressures can add layer after layer to the belief that we must earn our worth. It takes a lot of work but when we recognize that self worth is inherent and not something that others can define we can finally start focusing on our own needs without feeling guilty or feeling like we need constant external validation.
Avoidance of Conflict:
For many of us me included the idea of conflict is deeply uncomfortable. People pleasing often becomes a way to avoid difficult conversations even if it means sacrificing our needs and feelings. For me, avoiding conflict is something I’ve struggled with for a long time, and maybe you have too. Like everything being fearful of conflict typically starts in childhood. Maybe you were shutdown when you expressed your feeling which overtime lead to you staying quiet to ensure you did not upset your parent. Or maybe your family had troble communicating which lead to heated conversations. You may have gone to a place of trying to keep harmony by avoiding sharing your feels as a way to keep the peace. There are many reasons we may avoid conflict in adulthood. The key here is learning that conflict doesn’t have to be negative or scary. It can actually be a healthy way to communicate boundaries and needs. With practice, we can build the courage to face these moments. This is something I personally have worked on for years. And while I dread conflict A LOT I do find that I am able to get through moments like this with much more ease than I used to. And, oddly once the issue is resolved there is a sense of calm that sets in vs. when I used to avoid every conflict which just lead to more internal stress.
How People Pleasing Affects Our Health
In my experience as a coach, every single client I’ve worked with has struggled with people pleasing in some form. It’s something I see a lot, especially in women and those living with autoimmune conditions or other chronic illnesses and symptoms. People pleasing can put a lot of stress on our body because we are constantly worrying about others’ needs and often neglecting our own. This leads us to fall out of alignment with ourselves. It also creates a sense of abandonment because we stop using our intuition to make decisions. In a way, we are turning away from our true, inherent nature and needs.
The inner turmoil this creates leads to a state of chronic stress (fight or flight) which can really take a toll, especially if we are dealing with a chronic condition. When we are always trying to keep the peace or avoid conflict, it does not only emotionally drain us but it may also make our symptoms worse. There’s a big connection between stress and how our immune system functions. In addition there is also a connection between stress and how it affects the nervous system. So it’s no surprise that people pleasing can contribute to flare ups, more intense symptoms or even new symptoms to appear.
What I want you to know is that you’re not alone. People pleasing is more common than you might think. Learning to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs isn’t selfish. In fact it is absolutely necessary for your health and well being.
5 Actionable Ways To Stop People Pleasing and Reclaim Your Life
The good news is that you can break free from people pleasing with some awareness and time. Be patient and show yourself some compassion. Small daily steps can make a huge difference! Here are a few steps you can take right now to stop people pleasing and start reconnecting with yourself and your needs.
- Recognize the Pattern: The first step is to acknowledge when you’re people pleasing. Start noticing situations where you agree to things that don’t align with your own needs or desires. Ask yourself: Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I feel like I should? Becoming aware of this pattern is key to breaking it. One of my biggest tips is to tune into your body and how it feels. Do you feel excited and happy or do you feel dread or heaviness in your chest for example. Tuning into how things make your body feel is a great way to really know if saying yes is the right decision. Our bodies speak to us we just need to tune in and listen.
- Practice Saying No: Saying no can feel scary, but it is neccessary for setting boundaries. Start small. You don’t have to say no to everything, but choose situations where you can prioritize yourself without feeling guilty. For example, if a friend asks for a favor, check in with yourself first: Do I have the energy or capacity for this? If not, it’s okay to say no politely. You’ll be surprised how freeing it feels! Also, know you can say that you are going to think about. You don’t need to reply right away! I always remind myself that plenty of people have said no to me. I have not held anything against those people so more than likely no one will hold anything against me. And, if they do it is not my responsibility. Others feelings are not our responsibility.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries are our way of protecting our energy and well being. Start by setting small boundaries in areas of your life where you feel overextended. Communicate them clearly, and remember that it’s not selfish to protect your time and energy. It is necessary for your metal and physical health. When I first started working on setting boundaries I would practice and reherse what I was going to say and it really helped. I would also remove all emotion from it. Speak directly and from the heart.
- Reframe Your Beliefs: Challenge the belief that your worth is tied to how much you do for others. You are valuable and deserving of love and respect simply for being you, not for how much you give. Practice affirming this to yourself regularly. Start by making a list of all the things that make you worthy, without focusing on what you do for others or how often you say yes.
- Get Comfortable with Discomfort: Breaking the people pleasing habit means getting comfortable with discomfort. There will be times when people might not like that you are saying no or setting boundaries and that okay! In fact that is great! It is in the discomfort that we grow as humans. It is in discomfort that we learn! Remind yourself that it is not your job to make everyone happy. It’s your job to take care of your own well being.
If you are a people pleaser I want you to know that you are not alone. Say it with me…. I am a people pleaser and that is ok! Every day I am working to break free from this pattern of behavior. But I don’t see a day in the future where this behavior will not be part of my life. The difference is that instead of people pleasing controlling me I am controlling the people pleasing. I am doing this through self awareness when I actively people please. When we do things consciously it can make all the difference. And, when I say yes to things I may not 100% be feeling I am making the decision out of love not out of fear. It is possible to break free from this pattern of behavior. It will for sure feel uncomfortable in the beginning but overtime you will find you are much more energized, empowered and connected to yourself.
Are you a people pleaser? What has helped you the most in breaking free from this behavior. Share in comments below.
Wanting to learn more about why getting uncomfortable is good for you? Check out this article. The Uncomfortable Truth: Why Comfort Can Be Detrimental To Your Well Being.
In Love, Heath + Gratitude,
Katie